So, this is a little late in the making, but over the holidays Ash and I watched My Cousin Vinny for probably the 50th time. Love that movie. Taking another page out of the Sports Guy's book, I decided to summarize my holidays using quotes from the movie. Enjoy:
1. On Christmas day, I attempted to smoke a beer can chicken. I smoked, and smoked and smoked that damn chicken, but it never would cook through and through. I mean I was out there for hours. Finally had to pop it in the oven to finish it off. This first quote, and perhaps the best exchange of the movie, was a natrual fit:
Vincent Gambini: Oh, oh, oh, you tesitfied earlier that you saw the boys go into the store, and you had just begun to cook your breakfast and you were just getting ready to eat when you heard the shot.
Mr. Tipton: That's right.
Vincent Gambini: So obviously it takes you 5 minutes to cook your breakfast.
Mr. Tipton: That's right.
Vincent Gambini: That's right, so you knew that. You remember what you had?
Mr. Tipton: Eggs and grits.
Vincent Gambini: Eggs and grits. I like grits, too. How do you cook your grits? Do you like them regular, creamy or al dente?
Mr. Tipton: Just regular I guess.
Vincent Gambini: Regular. Instant grits?
Mr. Tipton: No self respectin' Southerner uses instant grits. I take pride in my grits.
Vincent Gambini: So, Mr. Tipton, how could it take you 5 minutes to cook your grits when it takes the entire grit eating world 20 minutes?
Mr. Tipton: I don't know, I'm a fast cook I guess.
Vincent Gambini: I'm sorry I was all the way over here I couldn't hear you did you say you were a fast cook, that's it?
Mr. Tipton: Yeah.
Vincent Gambini:: Are we to believe that boiling water soaks into a grit faster in your kitchen than anywhere else on the face of the earth?
Mr. Tipton: I don't know.
Vincent Gambini: Well, I guess the laws of physics cease to exist on top of your stove. Were these magic grits? Did you buy them from the same guy who sold Jack his beanstalk beans?
2. There are actually two quotes that apply to this one. All Ashley really wanted for Christmas was a karaoke machine that worked with her ipod. Well, I found this super-duper deluxe one with huge speakers and everything.
DA: What kind of equipment did you use to find this out
Expert witness: I used a Hewlett-Packard 5710-A dual-column gas chromatograph with flame analyzation detectors.
DA: Uh-huh. Is that thing turbo-charged?
Expert: Only on the floor models.
It was this huge present under the tree, and for two weeks Ash was so excited trying to guess what it was. Well, when she opened it I learned: (1) the one I bought didn't work with an ipod and (2) she wanted a smaller one that she could take with her places. FAIL.
Public Defender: Mr. Tipton, I see you wear eyeglasses.
Mr. Tipton: Sometimes.
Public Defender: Well, would you care to show those eyeglasses to the jury please?
Mr. Tipton: (He holds up eyeglasses.)
Public Defender: Thank you. Now, Mr. Tipton, were you wearing them that day?
Mr. Tipton: No.
Public Defender: You see, you were fifty feet away, you made a positive eyewitness identification, and yet you were not wearing your necessary prescription eyeglasses.
Mr. Tipton: They're reading glasses.
Public Defender: Uhh, well, uh, Mr.--could you tell the court what color eyes the defendants have?
Mr. Tipton: Brown. Hazel green.
3. To The Utes defeating Alabama in the Sugar Bowl:
Gambini: Is it possible the two "yoots"--
Judge: Two what? What was that word?
Gambini: What word?
Judge: Two what?
Judge: Did you say yoots?
Gambini: Yeah, two yoots.
Judge: What is a yoot?
Gambini: Excuse me your Honor, two "youths."
4. This next quote is for Hadley, who informed me when we made our visit to the big Bass Pro Shop here that she would someday like to go hunting with me and shoot a deer:
Lisa: Imagine you're a deer. You're prancing around. You get thirsty. You spot a little brook. You put your little deer lips down to the clear water - BAM! A fuckin' bullet rips off part of your head! Your brains are lying on the ground in little bloody pieces. Now I ask you, do you give a fuck what kind of pants the son-of-a-bitch who shot you was wearing?!
5. To all of the tree and bush trimming, raking, and other yardwork I had to do:
Gambini: And what is this brown stuff on the windows?
Ernie Crane: Dirt.
Gambini: Dirt? What is this rusty, dusty, dirty-looking thing over your window?
Crane: It's a screen.
Gambini: A screen? It's a screen. And what are these big things right in the middle of your view, from the middle of your window to the Sack O' Suds? What do we call these big things?
Gambini: Trees, that's right. Don't be afraid. Just shout 'em right out when you know 'em.
Now, what are these thousands of little things that are on trees?
Gambini: And these bushy things between the trees?
Gambini: Bushes, right. So, Mr. Crane, you could positively identify the defendants for a moment of two seconds looking through this dirty window, this crud-covered screen, these trees with all these leaves on them, and I don't know how many bushes.
Crane: Looks like five.
Gambini: Ah ah, don't forget this one and this one.
Crane: Seven bushes.
6. To the ass-chewing I got from my boss while on the way up to the Vandy bowl game:
Judge: The next words out of your mouth better be "guilty" or "not guilty." I don't want to hear commentary, argument, or opinion. If I hear anything other than "guilty" or "not guilty", you'll be in contempt. I don't even want to hear you clear your throat. Now, how do your clients plead?
Gambini: I think I get the point.
Judge: No, I don't think you do. You're now in contempt of court. Would you like to go for two counts contempt?
Gambini: Not guilty.
Judge: Thank you. Bail will be set at $200,000.
7. This next quote goes to all the drama surrounding the days leading up to the trial I was supposed to have the week after New Year's. I got my boss yelling at me, I've got Vandy in its first bowl game in 50 years, I got medical evidence that is all screwed up, I've got my raise and bonus being determined, my mom is in the hospital for heart trouble, and my brother is mad at me, and a couple of other things I can't remember:
Gambini: What's the matter with you?
Lisa: I don't know.
Gambini: You're acting like you're nervous or something.
Lisa: Well, yeah. I am.
Gambini: What are you nervous about? I'm the one that's under the gun here. Trial starts tomorrow.
Lisa: You wanna know what I'm nervous about? I'll tell you what I'm nervous about! I am in the dark here with all this legal crap. I have no idea what's going on. All I know is that you're screwing up and I can't help.
Gambini: You left me a little camera, didn't you?
Lisa: Oh, Vinny! I'm watching you go down in flames, and you're bringing me with you and I can't do anything about it!
Lisa: Well I hate to bring it up because I know you've got enough pressure on you already. But, we agreed to get married as soon as you won your first case. Meanwhile, TEN YEARS LATER, my niece, the daughter of my sister is getting married. My biological clock is
[taps her foot]
Lisa: TICKING LIKE THIS and the way this case is going, I ain't never getting married.
Gambini: Lisa, I don't need this. I swear to God, I do not need this right now, okay? I've got a judge that's just aching to throw me in jail. An idiot who wants to fight me for two hundred dollars. Slaughtered pigs. Giant loud whistles. I ain't slept in five days. I got no money, a dress code problem, AND a little murder case which, in the balance, holds the lives of two innocent kids. Not to mention your
[taps his foot]
Gambini: BIOLOGICAL CLOCK - my career, your life, our marriage, and let me see, what else can we pile on? Is there any more SHIT we can pile on to the top of the outcome of this case? Is it possible?
Lisa: [pause] Maybe it was a bad time to bring it up.
8. the last quote goes to Vandy, who won their first bowl game in 50 years in a way only Vandy could. With a circus stunt fumble recovery, and the punter being the MVP, among other things:
Lisa: So what's your problem?
Gambini: My problem is, I wanted to win my first case without any help from anybody.
Lisa: Well, I guess that plan's moot.
Lisa: You know, this could be a sign of things to come. You win all your cases, but with somebody else's help, right? you win case after case, and then afterwards you have to go up to somebody and you have to say, "thank you."
Lisa: Oh my God, what a fucking nightmare!